Do you feel
your blood boiling when disciplining your kids? Regret your stern words, raised
voice or actions just moments afterwards? You wouldn’t be alone there. It’s
difficult to keep your cool in these situations, especially during stressful
times. But discipline doesn’t have to mean punishment, it doesn’t have to leave
you feeling guilty or your children scared of you. It’s all about educating
your children how to behave appropriately and to understand the basics of good
behaviour. So remember…it’s education, not punishment.
If we
understand this concept, that discipline is about education, then ask yourself
what is the best way to learn. What do you take away from a tense and angry
conversation? Probably it just makes you feel sad and angry and withdraw into
yourself, right? Now ask yourself what you take away from a warm conversation,
where both sides talk and listen? As parents, we can learn a lot about how our
children are feeling and what made them behave that way in the first place if
we just talk and listen. It’s as much an education for us, as it is for them.
If we understand better what makes our children tick, what their triggers are,
then possibly we can predict when bad behaviour might happen and do our best to
prevent it or at least be better prepared to deal with it. By fostering a warm
and loving relationship, where talking and listening to our children rather
than talking at them and not listening, we give our children a better chance at
learning how to behave.
Here are a few
tips to build this kind of relationship with your child and for you to better
manage bad behaviour.
1.
Set boundaries early
The
toddler years are a very good time to start introducing some boundaries
and discipline because that’s a time when young children are really
experimenting with different behaviours and starting to push buttons. Just be
mindful that may not yet understand the connection between behaviour and
consequences.
2.
Establish your family rules and stick to
them
It’s
important for families to introduce their own rules about what’s okay and
what’s not okay, where the limits are and what you as parents expect from your
children in terms of behaviour. Often older children will copy behaviour from
their friends which you aren’t happy with and they won’t understand why it’s OK
for their friends to say/do certain things when they can’t. Try to make them
understand that different families have different rules and just because their
friends are allowed something, it doesn’t mean that they are.
3.
Explain the negative consequences
It’s
important for children to see that if they do something that crosses the line,
there will be consequences for it. Time Out is a goodie to use (especially if
you suspect your child might just be tired or stressed) or you might reduce screen
time, or something that has importance to them.
4.
Don’t forget Positive Reinforcement
Whilst
we’re focusing here on negative behaviour, it’s important to remember to
reinforce positive behaviour. Praise children when you see them behave really
well, when they speak in a lovely way to their little sister or little brother,
when they do something kind for someone in the family, when they do what they
are told without complaining. Positive reinforcement will boost their self
esteem and hopefully encourage them to behave in a more positive way than
negative!
5.
Explain how bad behaviour makes you feel
Be a
strong role model for your children and behave the way you want them to behave.
For example, if you yell at them, they will probably yell at you (and everyone
else!) Even a very young child can understand emotions so share with your child
how it makes you feel when they behave badly. You can tell them 'That hurts my
feelings,' or 'I feel sad when you do that.'
6.
Limit your time outs
Evidence suggests that
time out can be useful, but it needs to be appropriate and it needs to have
some boundaries as well. What’s helpful is to be clear on the length of time
out so five minutes might be all it takes. It’s important to remmeber that
their bedroom should be a sanctuary and a happy place for them so using it like
a jail might have a negative effect. Try to use Time Outs in a positive way to
give your child some quiet time to reflect rather than as a pure form of
punchishment and make sure they know that you will be along shortly when they
have calmed down and use that time to have a rational conversation with them
about what just happened. Whatever happens, don’t use this as a threat of a
scare tactic; they need to feel safe even when they are being disciplined, and
don’t leave them for too long – set the time frame to something they might
understand, like “Stay there till Daddy gets home” or “Stay there until supper
time”.
7.
Don’t use an angry voice
Getting
angry doesn’t always produce the outcome you’re looking for. It’s not that
different to when a little baby might be pulling your hair or pulling your
earring or something like that. A simple no, repeated if needs be, even a young
baby comprehends that and can take it in. Angry voices can scare children and
makes it harder for you to foster a nurturing bond between you and your child.
8.
Don’t smack them
Smacking
isn’t good for children and it doesn’t teach them how to behave or how to
control their behaviour. It also sends a message that smacking is okay, which
it isn’t. Smacking might injure a child and it may even contribute to longer
term harm. Whatever happens, do not resort to physical violence. If you find
that you can’t control your temper, don’t be ashamed to get help.
9.
Learn the motive for misbehaving
Whether the bad
behaviour is, be firm and say something like 'That is not okay. We don't do
that in our family.' It’s important to try and understand what’s behind that
sort of behaviour. Ask your child what their feelings are at that moment, why
they are upset and try to dig deep to find the root of the problem. Children
misbehave for lots of different reasons, including their temperament, having
trouble adjusting to changes or simply because they’re overtired or
frustrated. It will help your child and you as a parent to understand the
underlying problem.
10. Show
them love and respect
At the end of the day, remember how much you love
your child and they have their own little personalities. Your job as a parent
is to guide them through their youth to help them be happy adults. They deserve
your respect, even during these early years. Children are no longer “seen and
not heard” so talk to them with respect and listen to them with respect. Mutual
respect will only help to build a loving and caring family.
Disciplining your kids without losing your cool